Very problematic
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?