Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced