If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”