My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?