ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
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TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?