Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
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So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that