*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.