How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.