I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
You Might Also Like
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
See..?
.