i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
🤣🤣🤣
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.