What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
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Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Wait a minute
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁