Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
it was love at first sight