If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.