O Wise One….
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.