I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it