[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.