Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I think about this a lot
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme