I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
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So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.