The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.