Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL