CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
What the hell happened here.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.