16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
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me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
i think both sides are to blame here
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins