ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
It’s an epidemic…
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.