jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza