when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
You Might Also Like
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”