this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
What even happened today?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’