Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick