Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**