BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.