We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
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[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash