(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
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King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky