Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.