My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
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I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.