Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
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When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.