You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
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interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Bros before Ohioes
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”