Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
San Francisco has too many rules
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.