If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses