Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
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At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.