If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Oh thanks BBC.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?