Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I gave up going to work for lent.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Geez man, take it easy.
Breaking news:
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993