carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
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A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry