I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Inside you there are two wolves
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.