Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”