The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”