Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
The biggest mystery of our time
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Sheep
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.