Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
For those that worship cheese..
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill