You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The Sun
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
absolute chaos
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all