I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
584.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late