For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.