Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
philosophical skeletons be like
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds